Dust and Cobwebs

As I dust off the ole blog here and wipe away the cobwebs between my typing fingers, I'm not very motivated to write. Which is exactly why I am writing. I believe that the thing you are putting off the most is the exact thing you need to do.
So much has gone on in our lives since I last wrote. On Tuesday following my doctor's appointment we left for the beach. 3.5 days of absolute perfection. Our condo was directly on the beach, we had only to walk down about 6 steps to feel the sugary sand between our toes. The weather cooperated by only raining once while we were at dinner. After sundown each night, we walked the beach chasing crabs and watching the boys boogie board.
The beach is like God's way of saying "Here you go, just a little free gift from me. No purchase necessary, stay as long as you want and enjoy". I felt like, after two surgeries, 2 deaths, the baseball schedule and life in general, 3 days on the beach was just what we needed.
Logan joined us on Thursday afternoon and took a vacation day to hang with us on Friday. We were lucky enough to find a small skate park right up the street from our condo. What are the odds of that? Actually I have the appliance repair man who came to fix the fridge in our place for that solid gold nugget of information. So, thanks appliance repair man for interrupting my peaceful beach vacation by telling us that rather than frolicking on the beach we could better spend our vacation sweltering in the sun at the county run skate park. We ran around buying pads and helmets, applying for permits to skate at the park so the boys could skate for 2 hours.
Things took a turn for the fucked on Friday night. Logan and Irie left for home about 10:00 after a near perfect day with us only to call us around 11:30 to say that while he was with us he had been broken in to. His friendly neighborhood crackheads stole his xbox and his computer. The two things that meant the most to him. So, Larry had to leave the boys and me at the condo, drive back to help Logan clean up his shattered sliding glass door, kicked in front door and to help him with police reports and fingerprinting.
We tried to make the best of things but clearly, no one was really up for my birthday celebration on Saturday. But we went to dinner, plastered on happy faces and what do you know, after 3 glasses of pinot noir, I was feeling pretty good about turning 44.
There's no way for Logan to ever recover what he lost during his robbery but I loaned him my laptop so that he could at least keep up with his ebay auctions and emails. But all my pictures from the beach and my birthday are on my lap top so those will all have to be posted at a later time.
Fathers day was uneventful. We took my Dad to breakfast and Larry's Dad to dinner and somewhere in the middle, we managed to squeeze in a few minutes to let Larry know how much we appreciate all he does for us and how much we love him. Nothing I could buy for him would ever completely convey how much I respect Larry and how great of a Dad I think he is but this year I bought us 4 days on Amelia Island Plantation Golf Resort. I hate golfing but just to make my husband feel loved and appreciated and because I am thee world's greatest wife, I'm driving the golf cart, keeping the beer cold and cheering him on when he bogeys or birdies or whatever he does that is good in golf. I'll even put myself out and buy a little white skirt and pink golf shirt but I draw the line at the sun visor and socks with pom poms.
I don't know what happened to my fantasy of a lazy summer. So far this is our schedule:

June 10-14: Beach 14: Birthday dinner w/ family
June 16: Birthday Lunch
June 21-23: Road Trip w/ best friend to see other best friend
June 24-29: Beach Again
July 4: Family party and Ian goes to his Dad's house for a week
July 25-28: Amelia Island Golf (no kids. did I mention that? NO KIDS? As in, just Larry and I)
August 3-9: Ian goes to Camp Woodward Extreme Sports Camp
August 11-15: Cruise to Bahamas
August 18- School starts

It isn't to hard to figure out that after 3 years of living and dying by the rigors of a full baseball schedule, we are fully embracing all of our free time. This is the first time in 5 years that we haven't had to work around all stars, tournaments or championships, finding only a few days here and there to squeeze in a little get a way. In the back of our minds, we know that this might be our only summer for a long time to actually do whatever we want because Braden will be joining an AAU team in the spring. And next summer, both the boys want to go back to Camp Woodward for 2 sessions each.

I recently found out that puppy breath contains a magical ingredient that makes all smellers of the breath want a puppy of their very own. Larry and I are under the puppy breath smell spell and put a deposit on one of these:



We have had so much luck with our yellow lab that we decided to buy another lab except we found these silver ones and well, as you can see, how could we resist? She's coming from California at the end of July. What do you think we should name her?

As requested, here are two pictures of me. One is from Christmas at my top weight size 32/32 and the other one is from our time at the beach last week, currently size 18/20.

Weight Loss Milestone

Even though I promised my other blog that I'd update regularly there, I feel the need to post my weight loss results here, at old faithful. I know Shrinking Bubble blog will be jealous and feel left out but the hugeness of this update just feels more appropriate, more in the limelight here.

(if I knew how to, I'd embed the theme from "Rocky" here so just imagine it in your mind as you read on).

Today, I had my third fill in my lap band. And today, I've reached exactly 50 pounds lost since surgery. 66 pounds lost since I started preparing for the surgery with the 2 weeks of optifast liquids and 70 pounds lost since my top weight reached in November. And I report all of this good news not in a bragging way at all. I'm definitely not tooting my own horn or patting myself on the back. I give all the credit to my surgeon and to the technology of the band. I also give credit to all of the people who've supported me and cheered me on as I make my way to my goal. Obviously I do not posses the will to do this on my own. It was definitely a group effort.

As I contemplate this milestone, I'm particularly shocked at two things. One, how easy it was for me to actually reach my top weight and two, how easy it feels, looking back to lose it. How DOES one reach such enormous weight as I had reached? I mean, I know I had a baby blah blah blah but seriously how did I get morbidly obese? And I was in such denial of how so much weight was compromising my life. Diabetes, joint pain, skin problems (life threatening skin problems I might add), sleep apnea, fatigue. I guess packing on the pounds slowly over several years kept me in denial of just how bad things had gotten. But now that I look back and compare, I was a walking dead person.

Tomorrow we're off to the beach for 4 days and I plan on soaking up the sun, the sand and the love shared between me and my boys. I plan on acknowledging this milestone by being happy to walk in the sand and up the stairs without being winded and without dread. I plan on eating healthy and proudly wearing my tankini without a coverup and to hell with anyone who might judge me. They don't know from where I've come. They don't know of my secret weapon I carry with me which is helping me finally get my life and my happy back. They couldn't know that just a year ago, on that very same beach, I was dying.

Saturday is my 44th birthday. And I plan on living on that day knowing that I've been given the chance to start my life over again and the chance to be able to fully embrace the next 44 years.
I'm on the other side of this journey now. I have less weight to lose than I've already lost and some days I'm just "salad-ed out" but every time I see my doctor and I see the success, I have a renewed resolve to keep going and keep giving myself more time, more years and more life to live.

Everything is comparable to the taste of butt

At the drive thru window (you know the one where they serve the organic, healthy, fast food) I asked Braden which kind of milk he wanted, white or chocolate. He said he wanted chocolate milk because the vanilla milk at McDonald's tastes like his butt.
I guess you could say that my family likes to compare everything to how someone's or something's butt taste because you may remember that recently, Larry said our new vitamins tasted like horse ass.
I'll leave you with just a little "awe" to start your week:

Why

The following email from Larry to all of the parents of our Cyclone players is a perfect example of exactly why I married the man. When I met Larry, I was in no way in need of a husband. I had a great job, a nice little house, great friends, and the boys and I were happy. I needed nothing or no one to complete me. And as much fun as it was dating and ho-ing around, when I met Larry I was overcome with the desire to hog tie him, slap a ring on his finger and never let him out of my sight. He was someone I needed to spend the rest of my life with. Despite being a confirmed single parent, his kindness, generosity, selflessness, loving heart and giving spirit compelled me, for the first time in my life, to wish to turn back time so that I might recapture so many years spent not knowing him. I wish I had known him all of my life. I wish Logan and Ian had been blessed to have Larry as their step dad for more years than they've had. He has always been such a positive influence on us and he stepped up to the plate as a parent at a time when both of the boys benefited so greatly from his love and they continue to benefit to this day from his bottomless well of love, care and commitment. And as if that's not enough, there's that time way before we were even sleeping together engaged when he cleaned up Ian's seafood fettucini vomit all by himself without so much as a complaint or gag.
When the decision was made to step down as manager of the team, he personally called all of the player's parents but sent out one final email. I've watched him turn himself inside out over this turn of events in our life and I know this letter was the hardest email he's ever had to write.


All,

I would like to thank all the cyclone families for their support this year. As some of you know my son Ian doesn't want to play baseball any longer, and at age 14 I need to honor his decision and I support his decision 100%. We started the cyclones in 2006 to prepare our boys for High school baseball, and I know that we accomplished that and then some. I have talked to my coaches and all agree that it is time to move on. I have a lot of great memories and will cherish them all. I wanted to put this email out ASAP, so some you can find other teams or you may decide to play high school baseball only(which will take up most of your time from now on). I want you to know that this was a very hard decision for me and my family(especially my awesome wife). My wife has taken the back seat for the last 2 years with our grueling AAU schedule, and it is time she gets some of my attention. I hope this decision doesn't cause any inconvenience. If it does then I really apologize. I will do my best to come see the boys play once they start playing high school baseball. Braden will start playing AAU in the fall for the 8 and under team, but I will be a bleacher coach for the first few years. Again, I want to say Thank you for all your support, and for allowing me and the other coaches the opportunity to coach your son.

I will truly miss what we all created these past 2 years. Winning the State Championship as a Brandon Cyclone was unbelievable, and I will never forget that accomplishment.

I wish everyone luck and I hope we can all stay in touch.

Your Friend and Coach

Larry

Ends

We've had a lot of "ends" recently. The end of kindergarten for Braden, the end of the school year for Ian is tomorrow and honestly, this next "end" feels more like a death than an end. This is the part of my post where you might want to grab on to the end of your desk and hold on.
Ian has decided that he doesn't want to play baseball anymore. After 10 years coming up through the ranks and then playing on one of the three best AAU teams in the state, Ian has decided that baseball isn't making him happy anymore. I've been in mourning over this for almost a week. Not that this should have anything to do with "me" but baseball has shaped who we are as a family, it has dictated our social schedule, our social network and our entire focus, for ten years. It's hard to think about putting on the brakes after blowing full tilt through the last 10 years with nothing but baseball on our minds. However, we honored our son's decision and knew in our hearts that if he's not happy, he won't play well anyway. Our whole focus for starting the Cyclones was to help the players get ready for high school baseball and ultimately college and then? who knows. But Larry and his coaches did their job. Almost all of the cyclone players made their high school teams. And that is a job well done. By the coaches and the players. It was a bitter pill to swallow knowing that Ian should have been one of those kids. He's definitely a skilled enough player to have made his high school team but that's just not where his head is right now. And probably never will be again. Obviously I'll be changing a few things around here as my masthead is no longer what I'm all about. Ian wants to do community theater, acting and such and he wants to concentrate on learning to play his electric guitar, advancing his skills on his skateboard and his grades. Not that his grades are bad; no, he's an A B student but he wants to keep it that way.
So, we resign ourselves to our new normal. For now. There's talk of Braden playing on an 8 and under AAU team in the spring but I'm not holding my breath. Just taking a wait and see approach.
Here are two pictures of Ian in a baseball uniform for the very last time. He's the cute kid front row on the right end in the team picture.






(AND HE'S SMILING!!)

And the other ends? Well, I'll let these pictures do the talking for me.

Old Logan:



New Logan:



Logan has let me cut his hair for years. We had fun cutting it, first giving him a bowl, then a fauxhawk and finally, a fade. I felt we should give his beautiful spiral curls a proper burial so we boxed his hair up before we tossed it in the garbage.



Braden said that Logan looks like a businessman now with his new hair. Not a bad description. Logan loves it, obviously *I* love it and my parents? shit their depends when they saw it. My Dad's the head master from "the old school" and doesn't cotton to this idea that long hair is for more than girls and hippies.

Ya know, kids are like science experiments. Performed by people like me who haven't seen the inside of a bunsen burner or a periodic table since 9th grade. Oh at first, it's easy: formula in (or breast milk to save the argument) and formula out. Feed when hungry and change when wet. Simple. AND! they were cute so you didn't mind the endless nights of no sleep and the constant crying. And then it goes all complicated after that. Suddenly you have to start dealing with new elements and the ingredients get complicated like, their feelings and hormones and friends and school and sports and backtalking. It's like an experiment in trying to find the cure for cancer. And I am no Jonas Salk. I'm trying to find the perfect formula for guiding this 14 year old thing I've been growing and it's kicking my ass. I cannot articulate how much I love him and want only the best for him. How I agonize over everything, every thing that I pour into him. If he could live in my heart for just one stinkin minute and see all the love that gurgles around in there for him maybe, just maybe he'd stop with the eye rolling and the undertones of irritation that punctuate his words to me. He'd see that he and his brothers are my life's work and right now, I am terrified of blowing up the lab while we navigate through this teenage shit. What will happen to him if there is no more baseball? Surely there is more. But more what? Skateboarding? Guitar? Maybe it is I who is from the old school when it comes to passions, careers and paths. I just don't think that skateboards and guitars make a future. I guess you shouldn't mention that I said that to Tony Hawk and Eddie VanHalen. The reality of this is that he has more of a chance to get an academic scholarship or a music scholarship than an athletic one. But what if this quitting thing becomes a pattern and he drops the guitar and skateboarding when they to become monotonous or just not fun anymore? I want him to land somewhere and decide what he wants to grow to be and work towards that goal. I'm certainly not the kind of parent who'd insist that he be this or that but for fuck's sake, just pick something and stick with it. And I mean that in the nicest way served with a smile and some chocolate chip cookies ok?
In the meantime, Larry and I are going around hi fiving each other over all of this free time we suddenly have. Time for dinner out and a movie last night (and I'm saving all of my Sex And The City thoughts for another post) and we're even taking 5 days at the beach in June for my birthday and 4 days in July just.because.we.can with NO exceptions to the schedule. We can go whenever we want. I'm also trying to show up as a supportive Momma and am flying Ian and I to Pennsylvania to check out a skateboarding sleep away camp. Yes, I am that terrific and selfless.
So those are our current ends. Some felt like they were swallowing us whole and some others that were just fun.
Times they are a changing and I'm doing my best to keep up.

I Can't Help But Wonder

Now that all of the pesky distractions like surgeries, puppies and graduations are out of the way please allow me to direct your attention to the biggest and most exciting event of the summer, Maybe even of the year. Depending on the ending.
The Sex And The City movie is opening in a theater near you (or has already opened if you live in Manhattan and if you do, PLEASE don't spoil the ending for me) on May 30th. THIS WEEKEND!!! And I haven't been this excited about a movie since, well since ever actually. It's been too long since I was able to see what the characters of the HBO series have been up to. And the movie will answer any unanswered story lines like pregnancies, marriages, men and careers.
I am a huge SATC fan. I guess if I were a real fan (or completely obsessed) I would have flown to Manhattan for the US opening or to London last week. However, since I live in podunk nowhere I will have to sit tight in anticipation until Monday night when my sweet husband has agreed, suggested even that we have date night and he take me to see THEE movie. Obviously my druthers would be to see it on the actual DAY it opens but we have a baseball tournament this weekend and there is only one thing that could keep me from seeing this movie on opening night and that is to see my boy play ball.
However, on Monday? NOTHING will distract me from spending the entire day fantasizing about sneaking off to a darkened theater with my beloved to spend two hours catching up with four of my favorite characters, Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte.
One of my all time favorite, guilty pleasures is to pop in one of the DVDs from the complete series box set of SATC that I got for Christmas, sit back and allow myself to be transported to the hustle and bustle of life in Manhattan. I love to live vicariously through each character, imagining how exciting it would be to be a single Manhattan socialite. The shoes, the clothes, the restaurants, the smell and feel of the city and all that Manhattan has to offer. They have it all. First run plays, fashion week, fleet week, the subway.
I've been to NYC twice and long to go back again and again. Since the series was shot almost entirely on location in Manhattan it's fun to recognize some of the iconic landmarks and reminisce about our too short time there.
I thought it would be fun to throw myself fully into the experience of the movie by obsessively planning everything, down to the last detail. First, I bring you the shoes. If you have ever watched the series, you know our gals love Manolo Blahniks. So, what other choice did I have but to order a pair in honor of all that is fashion? And if you happen to be at my movie theater on Monday night, you will be able to spot me because I will be wearing these:



They're not exactly the stiletto heels that Carrie would wear but they are Manolos none the less. Just the suburban housewife's version.

And, my Carrie style dress prominently and frequently featured in season 6, just not in a size 2 like the character but still it appropriately pays homage to the show, I think:



Down to the last detail: I know I can't eat popcorn at the show so I am steaming a nice bowl of edamame to bring and I might even splurge and have a cosmopolitan before dinner.

Silly isn't it? But the show has brought me many happy hours of TV viewing and I suppose the comparison to the central character's exciting lifestyles, the fast pace, the glamour if it all, to my humble little life in the suburbs may be why I am so fascinated with this show, they have everything I don't. The best stores, restaurants, night clubs, Broadway, time square, Gramercy park, central park, the Guggenheim, Donald Trump, Rockefeller plaza, stress, crime, traffic jams, the endless search for Mr. Right in the concrete jungle wondering if they will ever find their soul mates, or if their soul mates came and they blew it. Carrie had Aiden and Big. I have Larry. Compared to my ordinary extraordinary life with my husband and three kids, would a city gal ever want to trade all of their excitement for my humble suburban driving life in suburban bliss? Could they leave city dwelling behind? Compared to the rat race that is the reality of single life in New York maybe I am really the one who has it all. My life is the polar opposite of theirs and yet, I can't help but wonder too, would I ever really trade my life for one like theirs? Absofuckinglutely not.
But it is fun to escape into the fantasy lives portrayed in Sex And The City with the comfort of knowing that I can return to the reality of the life I created and love at any time.

Post Graduate

Thursday's graduation festivities turned out much differently than I expected. And by differently than I expected, I mean it was NOT a graduation ceremony. There were no caps and gowns, no diplomas, no walk down the isle and they changed the time of the so called "kindergarten presentation" so my poor parents missed the entire, uh not graduation ceremony after they got lost. There WAS a magician with a very bad wig and I think there was some pizza. Larry opted out of the event and frankly, he didn't miss anything.
In lieu of heartstrings tugging photos, here's a professional shot of Braden in his cap and gown with a diploma even.



I know, I know............................ the hair. When I saw this picture, my brain immediately went here:



I think a trim might be something we'll look into over the summer. His hair is so long, I can put it in a hair clip. Is it creepy that I put my 6 year old son's hair in a hair clip once? Just to see what he'd look like if he was a girl? It's not like I put lipstick on him or made him wear my ankle strap sandals. And yeah, he would have made a really cute girl.

I heard talk of another graduation ceremony at the school on Thursday morning so maybe this one will be the extravaganza I've been waiting for.

For those of you who've asked: Physically, Larry is ok. He's having some issues with um, gas and aside from being a ginormous crabby McCrabass (understandably so), he's ok. But I've decided that I need an understudy. The #2 wife who comes in and handles all the unpleasant things that I'm just not good at or don't want to do. Like sympathy and patience. And fetching. I missed that prebirth class in heaven when they teach you to feel sorry for people who are not feeling well. I'm a bounce back, get over it kind of person and I expect that from the people in my life. I have no tolerance for wallowing, whining or crabbing about not feeling well. #2 wife can handle all of those wifely duties but I still retain the rights to his paycheck and his steamy lovin' skills. However, right now, Larry and I are, in the interest of not killing each other, keeping our distance from one another. I told him to just let me know when he's back to his old, wonderful self, until then... I'm camping out in my office until it's over.

Crap, I'm Already Crying

Tonight, Braden graduates from kindergarten. That's tonight @ 7:00, not this morning at 10:30 when I am already crying. It's not that I really like having a baby around. I'm not that into all that toddler chasing (oy the chasing) and worrying (what is that in his mouth?) or the sleepless nights (ok so really, Larry was the one who mostly got up with him) but there is something so goddamn final about leaving kindergarten. He's not little anymore, he's not mah baybeeeee anymore. He's a kid. He has to start learning about unfun things like peer pressure and world history. It's not all about rainbows and dinosaurs anymore. It's a cruel harsh place out there in the big world of "real" school and kindergarten is, you know, a place of innocence, where it's a big deal to get pizza on Friday. The one thing that will keep me from totally losing my shit tonight is the comfort of knowing that he's staying at the same school he's always been at. By the grace of God, the owners of this little Montessori school (and completely without pressure from the likes of me) expanded Braden's school to accommodate kids through third grade and Braden's little behind will stay snug as a bug right there until Miss Lisa kicks us out the door, or Braden has his drivers license, which ever comes first.
He's safe there, the teachers LUUUUUUUUUV him and know me by my first name and know when we have things happen in our family and they even know that the greatest thrill of Braden's life is when his big brother picks him up from school in his cool car. They know these things. And that helps me sleep at night, knowing mah baybee is cared for and thought of and treated as special at school as he is at home.
Like puppies, these kids of ours they have to eventually grow up and leave all that is cute behind. And tonight is Braden's turn to step into his growing up and leave his preschool and kindergarten days behind. First grade. The real deal. The bigs. There is no better place for my baby to do his growing up than at a school where he is treasured and loved so much.
If I don't ruin my camera with water damage from my tears, pictures of my graduate to follow.

Epic Proportions

My God! My stat counter says that this many people have visited my blog since Valentines Day, 2006.

10,025

I'm not sure I could name 10 people who read my blog on a semi sort of irregular basis. But over 10,000 people have at least stopped by, even if only by accident. That sort of blows my mind a little.

A quick Larry update if you please: He's home. He's dozing. He's digging his cherry sugar free jello like a good new bander should but I see him eyeing the peanut butter and various contents of our pantry with those cartoon hearts pulsing in and out where his retinas should be. Clear liquids for the next 2 weeks. Hard doesn't begin to describe it.

This Time, It's Not Me On The Table

For the first time in a very long time, I'm not the one lying on the gurney. Oh no, today I'm comfortably sitting in a chair, fully dressed and Larry is the one with his bare ass hanging out of the hospital gown.
Today Larry is having his lap band surgery. This whole weight loss project started with a trip to the plastic surgeon to see about having at least one of my double chins removed. When the surgeon declined my offer of tens of thousands of dollars to slice me up because he didn't think I'd survive the surgery, a call to action was in order. That same surgeon suggested that I have weight loss surgery which would eventually eliminate my need for his services. I knew he was right. And Larry wanted to join in on the fun and climbed on board with me for the lap band surgery. A dramatic pause goes here where we reflect on how Larry and I will soon be joined by bands of gold and silicone.
So here we are. I, having had my surgery on March 4th and now it's Larry's turn. I feel partially responsible for putting him through this. Before I decided to have the band, we were both fat and happy, resigning ourselves to the fact that we would just have to make the best of life even though deep down we knew the quality of our lives was dramatically diminished with every pound we gained. We'd started and ended many, many diets with successes and failures but never any decent success that stuck around.
I believe if I hadn't ever mentioned the idea, we'd still both be obliviously obese.
Larry's doing the hard thing today. Damn hard. My scars are barely healed and the fear of the surgery is still pretty fresh in my mind. Right after my surgery I blogged about climbing on the operating table and being seconds away from changing my mind. Thankfully, the anesthesiologist slam dunked my ass right to sleep before I did something I would have regretted, like backing out. The fear of the surgery was marginally outweighed by how badly I wanted to get the weight off. But only marginally and that fear? was hell.
Stress and fear do funny things to people. Everyone copes differently I guess. And we've had a house full of stress and fear as Larry's surgery date approached. This morning, instead of just having sex like normal people, we decided to distract ourselves from the stress and fear of surgery by picking at each other until things escalated to a screaming match and cell phone throwing. Threats were made, the "D" word was mentioned (we're both all talk and no action of course) and he almost went to the hospital alone. But we didn't quite throw down (although there's still time since they haven't taken him back yet) but currently he's taking his fears out on the day surgery nurse because he thinks she's trying to amputate his arm with the blood pressure cuff and he wants to know every 3 minutes how long it's been since they told him he was going in soon and why the hell it's taking so long. Now I know how I act every time the roles are reversed and how much patience it takes to be a nurse, god bless each and every one of you, especially if you've ever taken care of me.
I'll continue to post updates as the day progresses.

Update 4:25: Surgery is over and he did great!! We're just waiting to go and see him once they move him to a room.

God, there really will be no living with him when he's buff and cut, insecurity and lack of self confidence have never been an issue with my man.

Troubled Waters

My trip down Gained Three Pounds And Am A Big Fat Ass lane has been distracting me from getting on with the great life that is mine. So consumed with this recent down turn on the weight loss journey that I can't think of anything else. It's making me a crabby bitch, completely self involved and the life of my pity party. I'm a little pissed about it too. I'm not doing anything differently, low carb high protein blah blah blah but the scale is moving in all the wrong directions.
Larry threatened to move out to a hotel until the storm of my little snit which is quickly turning into a full blown tantrum, is over. In gut wrenching honesty, I'm scared. Scared that all the hard work I've done to lose the first 55 pounds will be for nothing. What if it's completely out of my control and I just gain it all back for no reason? What if no matter how many hamburger buns I throw away or how many McDonald's I pass without stopping in, the weight just comes back on me? What if I'm just destined to be weigh 300 pounds for the rest of my life? No need to further illustrate how consumed I am with this little issue.
I'm at a loss. Er, rather I'm not at ANY loss and I don't know what else to do. Other than keep trying and hope that this bump in the road resolves it's self and the weight starts to come off again. I will have a problem if it turns out that I spent $15,800 and was unable to ever lose more than 55 pounds and then gained all of it back. I don't think it's too much to expect the kind of weight loss that all the stars have achieved with their lap bands. I just don't want to be a failure.
I want to be at my goal weight and be done with all of this "trying". All of this "will she do it? or will she, as usual, quit and fail?". I feel like people are sitting back and expecting me to suddenly be thin or look different every time they see me. And if I don't keep achieving these big, quick losses, people will be suspect that I am not trying hard enough and am giving up. When in fact, I feel like giving up and almost jumped ship yesterday when I just felt overwhelmed with "why bother". Ian was my rock and my encouragement and reminded me that I can't expect to see losses every single day and to just please keep trying. I could see the fear in his eyes too that I would just give up.
Today is a rocky start to a tough week. Larry is scheduled for his lap band surgery tomorrow and I badly need to get out of my head so that I can be a good support for him. God knows I don't need to see him wheeling down the hall to weight loss surgery while I'm doing nothing but bitching about gaining 3 pounds. The irony of that scenario is making my head hurt.
And then, this morning as I sit and type this self serving pitiful shitious post, I find this outside my office window. In a ficus tree I've been dragging around with me for 8 years from porch to porch. I could lean out of my window and touch these delicate and beautiful gifts from nature. Apparently, life goes on, even when Pam gains 3 pounds.

A little perspective wrapped in Martha's robin's egg blue:

A Poor Substitute For Words

I feel like blogging and yet, words are trapped just at the tops of my arms unable to travel down to my finger tips so I figured hey, I know, I'll take the lazy way out and just post some cool pictures. Well, pictures that I think are cool and hopefully ones that wouldn't make a reader say, "Whoa, she really needs to learn to use her camera correctly and possibly Nikon should ban her from using their products". But maybe you'll think my kid is as cute as I do and you'll also appreciate as much as I do his God given gift for doing this:



After he "accidentally" put shampoo in his mouth he realized that he could blow amazing bubbles from his lips!! And he called me in the bathroom to astound me with his bubble tricks.



He made me promise to crop the pictures if his "wiener" was showing.

I LOVE the color of his eyes after he's been swimming. Turquoise green and yet for the most part his eyes are light blue.






And this crackle glass candle holder was another gift from Logan for Mother's day.



Finally, after I took this picture, my family mopped me up off the floor. The cuteness was just too much for me.

"hello friend"

Does This Mean I Have To Start Wearing Grandma Panties Too?

This weekend, Logan made me a Grandma!! Shocking I know. He's so young (not to mention I'm way too young to be a Grandmother!) and he's unmarried (someone resuscitate Dr. Laura) but wait until you see my granddaughter! She is amazing and darling and I am smitten with her. I am even babysitting her today! And, I don't have a pesky daughter-in-law to try and tell me how to feed her or take care of her either.

But first: Mother's Day. I'm so relieved that I am not allergic to cuteness and love because if I was, I'd be in a coma right now, covered in benadryl and shot up with epinephrine. Sunday was smothered in love and fun and smiles and kisses. Larry is in his 2 week wait for his surgery and is on his all liquid diet so I made him promise me that he wouldn't cook his famous breakfast casserole for me, instead I requested a chicken biscuit (minus the biscuit) from McDonald's. It was perfect and easy and within the boundaries of acceptable food for my band. And in place of a gift of a box of chocolates, which he knows I can't eat, he got me chocolate diamonds instead! The kind of chocolate that doesn't melt in your hand or make you fat.
Medium and small boys got me a sonic jewelry cleaner (how convenient since I got jewelry for Mother's day!) and Large boy, as if giving me my first grandchild wasn't enough, bought me a beautiful beaded dragonfly hook, a pink candle and candle holder and a dragonfly ankle bracelet. Did you know that I love dragonflies? And the ankle bracelet needed no additional chain to fit!! I held my breath as he fastened it on, not wanting to disappoint him. Losing that 55 pounds paid off again; the smile on his face as he saw how great it fit and how much I LOVED it, turned on the waterworks as I hugged him and told him how much I loved and appreciated all the effort he put in to the lovely and thoughtful gifts he gave me.
After presents and breakfast, we all climbed into the Suburban and headed off to the bowling alley where we met my parents and had a fun afternoon of bowling and great food. My adult and completely legal 21 year old son even bought me a drink from the bar and we toasted each other on such a special day.
After bowling we went to see "IronMan".
It was the best Mother's day I can ever remember having except for maybe my first one after Logan was born. This one was spectacular.
So, I know you are all dying to see "the girl" so here's the usual photo montage of our great weekend.

Here's the "chocolate":



The ankle bracelet:




The great tote bag that Braden made me at school:





The boys and me at the bowling alley:





My Mom, me and Larry's elbow. My Mom has always been a fantastic Mother and an even better Grandmother.



Of course I'm purposely saving the baby pictures for last!!

Introducing: Irie Hinson (pronounced Eye-Ree with the accent on the Eye, which means in Rasta/Jamaican: peace and tranquility within yourself and your surroundings)




Isn't she adorable? And she has puppy breath! Ya'll didn't think I was talking about a human baby did you? Awe, that was mean wasn't it? Hey! Don't walk away mad! I'm sorry for teasing!! But just look how much adorableness I am sharing with you! How could you be mad at me?




More cuteness if you can handle it:





And although I don't have any pictures to prove it, Uncle Sampson and Aunt Bella were very welcoming to the new baby. I'm sure they were accommodating because they know she won't be living with us and they can tolerate and interloper on a "visiting only" basis!! Bella was helping me with her last night by pushing the baby's blanket around her with her nose. Very cute and nurturing.

I hope you all had a wonderful Mother's day and that you were reminded how much you are loved and appreciated. I know I couldn't have asked for a better day, a better husband to support me being the best Mother I can be and the three amazing and loving boys God blessed me with who push me to be my best every day. They are so worth the effort too.

"My Mom" by Braden Nash

Click on the document for easy reading:

21 Years In A Matter Of Minutes

I know I sound like every other Mother but really? Has it been 21 years since I had my first baby? And why do I remember every single detail of that day down to what my Mother was wearing when we met our family at the hospital? And yet, I cannot remember where I put my car keys each morning when preparing to leave. I remember every vivid detail of every moment of each of my children's birth. And all of those details come flooding back to me, of course around the time of their birthdays. And this month, I have two babies turning a year older. Large boy is 21, WOOT WOOT. And medium boy is 14, and I grimace as I type that. Fourteen year old boys are snarly one minute and sweet and loving the next and even they do not know from one minute to the next how they are going to be. It's a crap shoot every morning. Will he be sweet and kiss me good-bye or will he mentally flip me off with his eyes as he slams the front door? I just try and tighten my seat belt and hold on.
On the other hand, Logan is amazing. He is kind and honest and not that Ian isn't all of those things but Logan is minus the teenager attitude. Logan is loving and calm and motivated. He remembers to call me if we haven't spoken in a day or two and he always hugs and kisses me and remembers that I have feelings too. Ian will come out the other side of teenage hell being all of those things, I'm quite positive of it. And if he doesn't, God has some explaining to do. Ian is thee most adorable little thing but fuck is he full of attitude.
So we started the weekend off with a little concert. You may have heard of the artist performing such hits as "You Look Wonderful Tonight" and "Cocaine" and "Layla". Yes, none other than Eric Clapton. Ian's idol. I took Ian and two of his friends to see the concert on Saturday night. We had eleventh row seats dead center. They were fantastic seats. The boys were stoked and we had a great time. The band that opened for Eric Clapton was Robert Randolph and The Family Band. Excellent performance and great music. Check them out.
Here are just a few photos from the concert. I was surprised they let me take in my boulder size camera with my external flash but they said if it fits in my purse, I can bring it in.
This is the band "Robert Randolph"


Two nice shots of Eric on stage:





This is what most people were doing through the whole show:



The boys and me before the concert. They were all hopped up on Monster:




While I took the boys to the concert, Larry took Braden to his Nana's funeral. I'd say I got the easier gig that night. But my baby and his Daddy look so handsome in their funeral attire. Larry has lost almost 50 pounds just doing my food plan with me. As an aside, I am SO proud of him, he is having the lap band surgery on May 2oth!



I caught Ian unaware and got a little smooch.



Before the concert:



On Sunday, we had our annual birthday dinner with my parents and the boys. We cooked out on the grill and Mimi made all the boy's usual requests for dinner: garlic cheese grits, zucchini boats and chocolate chip cookies without chocolate chips.
Ian's birthday surprise:



Birthday "Cake" (neither of my May babies likes birthday cake so we had birthday cookie!)



My May Babies:



Ian loved his new guitar:



The boys, me and my parents on birthday dinner day. Ian has copped an attitude, as you can plainly see from the photo because... hmm, I'm trying to remember: the wind was blowing from the south? My shirt wasn't the right color? Who knows. But then 10 minutes later, he was back from the dark side being his sweet self again.




And because it's always, no matter what the occasion, about the shoes, my Eric Clapton concert shoes:

My Behind

I'm a little behind, I admit it, on my blogging. SO SO SO much has gone on around here what with birthdays and concerts and more birthdays and funerals. Larry's Nana died and they had her visitation on Saturday, her buriel is tomorrow. Normally this would have been such a sad time since usually when Nanas die, Grandsons are very sad. Except Larry's Nana disowned Larry after she found out that for years he was calling her on the phone at all hours of the night and singing Elvis songs to her. That pissed her off a bit and she called a family meeting and tried to have him disowned. But, he still loved her and tried to make nice with her after all of that. Still to the bitter end, she'd barely go beyond being civil to him if their paths crossed. I have to laugh at that story and trust me, you'd laugh too if you ever heard Larry sing Elvis.
And I'm even more behind because on Sunday, after our family birthday dinner for Logan and Ian, while I was trying to help Larry hang a clock out by our pool, somehow and when I wasn't looking someone changed the dimensions of our steps leading from the lanai to the pool deck and when I stepped down to what should have been the first step, it had suddenly and unexpectedly become the second step and I sort of crumpled and rolled down to the edge of the pool ending my double handspring tuck front roll with my head and my sunglasses in the shallow end.
Humiliating as that was, later Larry and I were able to review the taping of the incident since one of our perimeter security cameras was pointing right at my big white ass, in a bathing suit biffing it down by the pool. I think the same person who changed the dimensions of the steps was also responsible for pointing the camera RIGHT AT ME while I lost it.
All of that made me a little stiff and sore for a few days so I haven't felt like uploading the 612 pictures that I've taken over the last 3 days.
And no, I can't share the video tape on youtube.

Sad News

A while back I asked for prayers for our friends The Keslers as their daughter, Sierra battled cancer.
Today, Sierra lost her battle. Please pray for her family and her friends as we and they struggle to figure out this bullshit disease and how to come to terms with burying a child.
Sierra was loved by everyone who simply looked into her face. You couldn't help it. She was innocence, light, love and happiness all contained in a tiny body of a little girl. Her body betrayed her and although she won't be earthly bound, her light and her ability to love, to embrace life and to make everyone around her smile, will live for everyone she leaves behind.
Braden is currently entertaining us with his whoopie cushion. Helping a friend face the next days, weeks, months and years of figuring out their new normal, their family with a giant gaping hole sucking the oxygen out of their lungs, we hug our boys a little tighter and are reminded how fragile happiness is and how easily, in an instant things can go horribly wrong and your arms will ache for a dead child for the rest of your life.
Again, please take just 30 second and ask God to grace this family with the strength to get through this with their sanity and faith in tact.

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/sierrakesler

My Virgin Guest Post

My very very very good blogging buddy, Leslie the author of the blog My Mommy's Place has allowed me to write an article for her blog feature called "This Is Motherhood". I've known about my deadline of April 30th since January but frankly, the very idea of writing for someone else's blog, someone who's blog is WAY more famous than mine, in the way that John F. Kennedy is way more famous than the honorary mayor of our little town of 2,120 residents. Leslie is star quality blogging.
But, I got through it with a lot of help from Mr. Xanax and Mrs. Vicodin. Please go take a look at my article and pretend it's thee best thing you've ever read and that you feel certain I will be nominated for a Pulitzer Prize for literature. Also, I'd love it if you'd leave a comment and seriously, tell me all of that. And I wouldn't hate it if you told me I was pretty too.
Leslie, thank you for having faith in me and believing that I wouldn't submit some kind of useless crap that would stink up the place.
I heart you. And of course, I want to kiss your girl's faces right off. But I won't do that because, well, that'd be weird and you're in an undisclosed part of America and I'd have to throw down with Karly to see who'd be first to get some snuggle time in with Julia and Lucy.

Minor Oversight

I bought these sunglasses a few weeks ago and asked for transition lenses to be put in them. For when, at the baseball field, the sun is going down, I wouldn't have to play peek a boo with my regular sunglasses when it's too dark for them but not dark enough to take them off. Huge dilemma, I know. The sunglasses look SO great *AS* sunglasses. But when the tint fades in the shade? Um, not so much.
What I didn't anticipate was that I was going to look like the reincarnation of Harry Carey.






Or this old broad from MatchGame '77



Can I run fast enough to Lenscrafters for the 30 day money back guarantee?

Let's Chat

On this sunday SUNDAY sunday (I love when Al Roker does his sunday SUNDAY sunday weather forecast and he says sunday SUNDAY sunday and there's the echo and all, I love Al, he's cute, like a brown teddy bear) anyway on this Sunday (enough of the repeating Sundays) it's another lazy day. I haven't seen my kid's faces for over 24 hours. The small one is at a friend's house and the medium one is also at a friend's house and the large one is sort of missing in action. I figured once a girl entered the picture he'd become very scarce around here and I wasn't wrong. I'm slightly and in an unhealthy way a little miffed about being shoved aside and forgotten like an old worn out toy at Christmas but then the healthy side of me, (the good Mother side) remembers that he IS a man and what the "other" girl has to offer is much more interesting and alluring than anything I could offer him, like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a place to sleep.
However the other two need to come home. I miss them. I'm glad they behave well enough to be invited to spend the night and then hang around all the next day, I guess I'd be worried if the other parents were calling me at 7:30 a.m. to come get them and they were all packed up and sitting on the front porch when I got there. We called both sets of parents and offered to come get them but they declined and wanted them to stay longer. So I have a little more free time to spend with you!! Which is great! but I always feel like when we get together here it's always all about me! What would you like to talk about? Really? You just want to hear more about me?
Ok! Last night Larry and I went out on a DATE! A real date. Like we got dressed up and went to a really nice restaurant and didn't get asked how many kid's menus we wanted. We had a leisurely long wonderful dinner, even if we couldn't finish anything we ordered. We left with a big bag of boxed up left overs. And then, (here's the exciting part) we went out dancing!!! Wait, we intended on going out dancing, we went to a dance were there's supposed to be dancing but after we were there for a while we realized that that DJ fellow, the hippie looking lad spinning all the records, was playing the worst fucking crap we'd ever heard. No, I do not want to get low low low (I'm sure if I did I wouldn't be able to get back up up up) and I don't even know what Apple Bottom Jeans are. And then there was a song about being a cock blocker. Is that the same thing as blue blocker sunglasses? Anyway, it sucked. We're old, I know Karly, I know. I had one glass of gold schlagger and I was ready to go.
We came home, got out a few blankets, look our geritol and snuggled on the couch to watch a movie. We had the required ohmyfuckinggodthekidsaren'therewecanbeLOUD sex and fell asleep. Now that? was a good date. I've been whining about not having enough romance and googlie eyes and can't live without you phone calls lately so that date will tide me over until the