It Must Be Hard Being A Washed Up Has Been

Over the weekend Larry's Aunt had her 60th birthday party at a local restaurant. All of the family gathered to celebrate. After the loss of Larry's Mom and his Aunt's heart scare just before Christmas, we're determined not to let a birthday go unnoticed.
After we all had dinner, Aunt Linda blew out her candles, we all shared cake and life was good. Until the comedy show started. This is the part about the washed up, has been. I'm wondering if up til this point you were wondering if I was referring to his Aunt as the has been. Jesus, that would have been cold. No. I am referring to the comedian who's show started after dinner. I'm sure you've met a few washed up has been's. An old fucker who thinks he's still the toast of Las Vegas even though the comedy club was only at it's 40 person capacity because all of our family members were there. I doubt this dude could fill a house; even an out house.
He's the kind of comedian that picks on his audience. Pointing out the obvious: Hey! You're fat... hardy har har. Hey, you're old! bwah hahaha. I kept my head down hoping he wouldn't pick on me but he did. Hey, so Larry this is your wife? Yep. What's your name? Pam? Yeah, that's Map spelled backwards. (Obvious genius). So how about you stand up and show us your mountains? Snicker. He killed it, right? At least he didn't call me fat.
We suffered through 3/4 of the performance then things went to the dark side. This is how it went down: Larry's Uncle was sitting next to me. His daughters called on his cell phone. Oops. He answered it. Oops. The comedian stopped his routine and said something to the effect of he'd wait for the phone call to end before he would go on "entertaining" us. At first we thought he was, you know, kidding, like a good and possibly funny comedian would be. Larry's Uncle handed the cell to his wife who then decided to quickly and quietly finish the call which lasted no more than 20 seconds. No biggie. Unless by biggie you might be thinking like the comedian did, what was she thinking taking a phone call from her children in the middle of this ground breaking, world showcase of a performance? Who the fuck did she think she was? (he actually used those words). He called her out telling her if she couldn't go out for one night without her cell phone to stay the fuck home. Would she take a call in the middle of a movie? Her reply? If it was my kids, you bet I would. Mother's of the world unite!! I would too. Honestly, I had had enough of this bozo douche bag about 10 minutes into his performance when he told Larry he looked like his neck blew a bubble. Clever. How much intelligence does it take to insult people by pointing out the obvious and making pecker jokes? Yeah, we can all see that Larry is bald by choice and has a rather round, may I also say, sexy head?
But I digress.
Larry wasn't having any of this old fart calling his Aunt out and shouting angry insults at her. It's one thing to make half an attempt at being funny by insulting people but to insinuate that your weak performance is so goddamn important, that you are so important and famous and that the rest of your audience is so riveted by your performance that you can't just let the phone call incident go and move on to the thankful end of your rhetoric. Please, just go on with your banal crap so we can all get this over with and go home. To our children. And you can go home to your half empty bottle of scotch, your 1982 VHS porn video, make a half hearted attempt at getting a boner so you can whack off, give up and cry yourself to sleep. And please, do the world a favor, take off that ridiculous pinkie ring and those obnoxious boots and turtle neck/sport coat joke you're wearing and give it all to goodwill. It's embarrassing.
Now I'm not saying that Larry's Aunt and Uncle were completely innocent. No, should they have stepped outside or put the phone on vibrate? Obviously but for hell's sake, don't make a federal case out of it. You're not that important. And? We're just not that into you to care, frankly.
Anyway, Larry called him an asshole and I told him if he felt so insulted by a cell phone maybe he should make everyone sign a no cell phone agreement before his performance and possibly surrender their cell phones before his big show. I've never seen anyone so incensed. He was spitting and swearing and turning red; I feared his heart was going to give out. He just couldn't calm down over the whole thing. Which would have been nothing if he could have let go of his fragile ego long enough to just.move.on. Needless to say, we gathered up our things and walked out to his tirade of get the hell outs and don't come backs and yadda yadda I'm too important for you and don't you know who I am's. It was crazy, ya'll. Crazy.
Sweet justice though when I clicked on his website: his hit counter is at 637. Mine is over 14,000. And he's been "performing" for over 30 years. Who's laughing now, bitch?
I'm sure you might be wondering who this craptastic egomaniac is but I'm not going to give him any free advertisement or ammo. Be sure that you've never heard of him, you don't want to go see him and his momma didn't give him no love when he was little because his grill was screaming for a full set of invisaligns.
Let's just leave it at this: If you just happen to be near BrewMasters in IndianRocks Beach and want a bite for dinner, don't stay for the show. And honestly, the food wasn't that great either.